Stop reading. Go away. Turn back while you have the chance.
This is NOT a skill you want to have. Learning and mastering the technique of becoming a true Gamer is absolutely not what you want to do with your life, I promise you. Videogames are magnificent and beautiful and invigorating and inspiring and I highly recommend playing some from time to time, but there is a HUGE difference between gaming and becoming a Gamer. Being one takes all of your time, money, and willpower. Trust me on this: You do not want to be a Gamer.
Huh. You’re still here.
Fine then. Stay. I know you’ll regret it later. Maybe you’re thinking, “this girl is full of it, there’s no way being a gamer is that big of a deal.” Oh, how ignorance is bliss. Well, you asked for it. Despite my warnings, you believe you have what it takes to become a Gamer; therefore, I shall bestow upon you this terrible knowledge, and soon you will feel as if you have eaten the apple from the tree God told you not to touch, and you will be cast out of the Garden of Eden that is your pure, precious, untainted life.
Step 1: Play every single game on Earth.
“Oh, you haven’t played any Metroid games? You pleb.” “What do you mean you didn’t play Shovel Knight, what is wrong with you?” “You must be crazy if you haven’t replayed every Persona game at least twice.” These are a fraction of the unsolicited statements you will hear if you have not played every single game created on this planet. Sorry, there’s no getting around it. Forget school or work, you are now obligated to waste every second and every penny on playing every single game. Not only that, but you must finish all games to their completion. That means getting 100% of the collectibles, too. That’s right: you have to collect every golden beetle, find all 900 Korok seeds, and completely fill the Hyrule Compendium with a photo of every item and animal. What’s that? You don’t want to? Too bad, my friend. This is your life now. There’s no turning back. Here’s copies of all of the Danganronpa games; I recommend you play the third one with a controller.
You owe me $180.
Step 2. Have strong and objective opinions about everything you play.
Now that you’ve completed step 1, it’s time to become a critic. You’re now allowed to share your opinion on all of the games you’ve liked or disliked with nobody judging you– that is, as long as your opinion matches everyone else’s. What’s that? You’re saying that you weren’t too fond of Undertale? That the plot wasn’t terrible, but you hated the controls and it just didn’t reach you the way it did everybody else? You’re wrong. That’s wrong. You’ve said the wrongest possible thing. It’s impossible to dislike Undertale. It’s the best game in history, and that’s a fact.
The average person would never consider opinions to be objective, but the world of gaming is vastly different from the world you knew before. No neutral opinions are allowed either. It’s either go big or go home, baby. There’s no possible way that anyone could criticize some aspects of a game while still saying they enjoyed it. Repeat after me: if you like a game, there is NOTHING wrong with it. Everything about it is perfect. The voice acting was superb. That glitch doesn’t exist. It’s not sexist: just because all the warrior women are wearing barely anything while the warrior men are clad in heavy armor head-to-toe doesn’t mean it’s sexist. In the constant raging war between good and bad opinions, people in the middle are never on your side. It’s just you and the right ones against the braindead morons who don’t actually know what a true game is.
Step 3: Have fun! 🙂
Playing games is all about enjoying yourself and letting other people enjoy themselves. Multiplayer games are always a blast to play with friends and online strangers! Just remember that teamwork is the best strategy to winning, and if you lose, it’s okay: it’s just everyone else’s fault, not yours. Make sure you give your teammates some constructive criticism by getting on mic and cussing them out for 5 straight minutes. Don’t hold back! Roasts, insults, slurs, they’re all fair game. Speaking of fair game, did you know that no such thing exists? All matches are rigged against you, and that’s why you lose all the time. Not to mention all the hackers on the other team using aimbot to snipe you relentlessly. All of the Overwatch characters you don’t play are too inherently overpowered and need to be nerfed, ESPECIALLY Bastion. There’s always a reason for your losing streak, but take comfort in the fact that it is and will never be your fault.
Congratulations! You have finished these steps and are almost officially a Gamer. Now, after all of the time, money, hard work, and dedication you’ve put into achieving this title, you have one final step, one last task, the last you will ever have to do before you reach the end of this spiritual journey. This final step is… to forget everything I have told you. Realize that you don’t need to play every game, no matter what other people tell you to do. Realize that people can have any opinion they want about a game; everyone’s experiences are different. Realize that yelling at people and blaming them for losses is just plain not fun, and being kind is the best way for you and others to truly enjoy a game. Realize that you don’t need to do anything other than play games and love them to be a true gamer.
